I Wait

Had the harassment stopped.
Had the cruelty ceased.
Had I been left in peace—given the chance to heal without the constant weight of torment—
the ring would already have been returned.

But because the harassment and cruelty continue, the cost of the ring has become the restoration of the marriage. I will not be locked into a life of endless harassment while standing alone. And yes, I still love him. This is not the path I ever wished to take, but the unrelenting onslaught has left no other way.

So let it be clear: blame the abusers for the stipulation. The divorce may have been signed, but our covenant was eternal, and eternity cannot be undone. That is the truth of an eternal bond: it is forever.

It has been fractured, it has been abandoned, but it remains. If he ever loved me—if he still loves me—how could he abandon me and not care? If you ever cared if you still cares please give me your hand so that I can get out of this hell. I am unable to do it myself.

Over the past year, I’ve walked through unimaginable darkness, facing moments where I thought I couldn’t go on. During my deepest struggle, I came close to leaving this world. I took over 60 pills, drove to the mountains, and lay in the backseat of my car, expecting not to wake up.

But I did. I am still here.

In that moment, I descended into the realm of Hades, a place I know well as a priest of the Hellenic faith. This wasn’t my first encounter with the Lord Below, but this time was different. Hades gave me a choice—to stay or to return. Guided by Lucifer, the Roman god of the Morning Star—the liminal light of dawn and dusk—I found my way back. Not the Christian devil, but the radiant deity of my faith, who walks with me through this valley of shadows.

Before that night, I had already changed my name from Dustin Ray to Dusty Ray, trying to mark a shift within myself—a sign that I was changing, even in the midst of struggle. My name may change again—perhaps to Sebastian Rafael Windsoul Luxferian or Lucifer Sebastian Raphael Windsoul—but only when I emerge fully from this valley of darkness. By then, guided by my Lord and by the light that never fails, my name will be whole and final.

I hope to celebrate fully at the end of this journey, but for now I am still walking—through highs and lows, through more moments of darkness than of light. I do not know how long this will take, or what it will look like when it ends. What I do know is this: the gods have been with me through it all. They have promised that when it is time for me to emerge, it will be at the hand of one who truly loves me. For I no longer have the strength to walk into a secular world that has been the source of so much of my pain.

And yet, I am still here. Still walking. Still healing. I honor Hades, I honor Lucifer, I honor the Vestal Flame that never goes out, and I honor the path that keeps unfolding before me.

Held by Hades,
Steadied by Poseidon,
Guarded by Zeus.
Guided by Lucifer,
Sustained by the Flame that never dies.

I await the hand of love.

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