The Only Door Open


The Only Door Left Open


 This next phase of my life terrifies me — because there’s no safety net left. But sometimes you have to risk everything to see if you can finally save yourself.

The comments that have come from family and some friends — the ones about me being an “addict” — are completely unfounded. I don’t care what anyone chooses to label me. Their words have little to no effect on who I truly am. What I do care about is how they use the word “addict” as a weapon — a way of subjugation and control. It becomes their excuse to not show up, to justify their own failures, to avoid their own responsibilities — in family, in friendship, in love.

Yes, I’ve used drugs. That’s true. I’ve tried most everything except heroin — that one terrifies me. But I’m not drug-seeking. Believe that or not, it’s the truth. I don’t even like taking pain meds from doctors — not even now, with arthritis and everything else. I hate the feeling of being completely out of it.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t used drugs, or that I don’t like some of them. Marijuana is probably my favorite, next to alcohol. Alcohol can be a problem — I know that, and I try to stay on top of it. That’s not an excuse, just a fact.

Methamphetamine? That’s always been more of a scene thing — an orgy drug, a gay weekend thing — not a way of life. It’s not something you can live on and stay healthy. Cocaine? My favorite dance club drug. I love doing a bump on the dance floor, then going home and going to bed.

LSD, PCP, the other hallucinogens — not really my thing. They mess with my head. Mushrooms, though — those I love.

So yeah, I’ve run the gamut. I’ve lived it. And honestly? If you’ve never done drugs, keep your mouth shut. Don’t assume that someone who uses is broken, or lost, or sick. A lot of people do drugs because they’re fun. Because they’re a good time. More people than you’d ever believe — hell, 90% of Pocatello smokes weed, and it’s illegal. They call it the “gateway drug.” Maybe it’s just the gateway to minding your own business.

I’ve listened to my family and others argue with doctors, disregard medical professionals, and twist facts to fit their comfort. Some have even sat in sessions with me — with doctors, with counselors — and argued against the medical opinions because they didn’t get the answer they wanted. Because control means more to them than truth.

So yeah, I’m finished with all that. I’m terrified about what’s coming next, but it’s the only door open to me — the only way I can finally secure just me, without the interference of people who think they know better how to live my life.


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