Journal: THE PAST TWO YEARS

THE PAST TWO YEARS 

The past two years have felt heavier than I know how to explain. There have been so many moments—quiet, ordinary moments—where all I needed was to hear his voice. Just to hear him say he believed in me. That was always enough. Somehow, when he said it, I could actually believe it too. I could get up, move forward, try again.

Without that… everything feels harder.

Some days it’s hard just to get out of bed. Even simple things—like going to the grocery store—feel overwhelming. It’s like the weight of living has changed, and I don’t have the same strength I used to carry it.

If I’m honest, I don’t know where I’d be without my puppy, Lily. She gives me something to hold onto, something that needs me. Sometimes I think she’s the only reason I keep going at all. Without her… I don’t know. I don’t like to think too deeply about that, but I know it wouldn’t be good.

I don’t feel like I have much to live for right now. Not in the way I used to. Not in the way that made life feel full of purpose and direction. And the hardest part is that the one person whose belief in me mattered the most—the one person I still want to hear it from—is the one I can’t talk to. He won’t talk to me.

There are things I don’t tell anyone. Things I keep to myself because I don’t know how they’d be understood. Sometimes I listen to old recordings of his voice, or watch videos we made together, just to feel close to him again. Just to remember what it felt like to be seen, to be loved, to be believed in. And as much as I don’t want to admit it… sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps me from going somewhere too dark.

It’s not that I can’t take care of myself. I can. I’m still here. I’m still surviving.

But I feel like I’ve lost my ambition for life. He was my reason. He was the thing that made me want to build something, to become something more.

And I don’t know how to replace that.

I wish I could have it back. Even just a piece of it. Even just his voice telling me one more time that he believed in me.

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