Why I Need to Leave Pocatello

Why I Need to Leave Pocatello

One of the hardest truths I've had to accept is that I got stuck in Pocatello, and I don't believe this city was ever where I was meant to rebuild my life after everything that happened with Jeff. Looking back, it probably should have been the last place anyone wanted me to remain considering the circumstances.

People often assume that my struggles with alcohol and drugs were about relationships or personal failures. They weren't. Those things became coping mechanisms, and much of that came from the reality of living here. For me, Pocatello has always felt like a place centered around work, obligations, and survival rather than creativity, growth, and truly living.

People who love this city may have a completely different experience, but mine has been consistent for years. Life here often feels repetitive and stagnant. There is very little sense of newness, possibility, or flourishing. It feels like the same day lived over and over again.

A person wakes up, goes to work, comes home, watches television, sleeps, and repeats the process. Some people add alcohol to the routine. Some people add drugs. Some people bury themselves in organizations or obligations. But for many, life revolves around work and recovering from work.

That is not a criticism of the people who live here. People are doing what they need to do to survive and find moments of happiness. But it is a reality I have watched for years, and it is not a life that nourishes me.

The social options feel incredibly limited. There is Revive at Five once a week, but in my experience it largely revolves around alcohol and attracts the same crowd week after week. The music has rarely been enough to make the experience feel fresh or exciting to me, and it has never provided much opportunity for meaningful new relationships or experiences.

The downtown bar scene is similar. Most bars have their regular crowds, and outside of Friday and Saturday nights during the university season, it often feels like the same people in the same places doing the same things. When Idaho State University is in session, the city temporarily feels larger and more alive, but many students leave when school ends and are naturally focused on their own circles and future plans outside of Pocatello.

There is also a very strong nonprofit culture here. There are many opportunities to volunteer and serve, which is admirable. But much of it is still work. It is unpaid work done for good causes, but it remains another obligation. There are relatively few spaces dedicated simply to enjoyment, creativity, friendship, or gathering without expectations.

What Pocatello lacks most, in my opinion, are strong third spaces. There are not many places where people can simply exist together, meet new people, discover new interests, and experience life outside of work and home. Many activities cost money, conflict with work schedules, or require driving elsewhere.

Even something as simple as shopping for clothing, home décor, or wanting a change of scenery often means traveling to Idaho Falls or Salt Lake City. When you consistently have to leave your city to experience something new, eventually you begin to realize that the life you want may not exist where you are.

What makes all of this especially difficult is that it creates a trap.

People say, "Get a job and save money so you can leave." But what often happens is that all of your energy goes toward coping with staying. The stress of living in an environment that feels empty to you consumes the very resources you need to escape it. You work, but then you spend your emotional energy simply enduring life instead of building a future.

That cycle is dangerous.

I know myself well enough to understand what happens when I try to force myself into the social life available to me here. The people I know, whether gay or otherwise, often socialize through bars, alcohol, and sometimes drugs. Those environments are exactly the places that previously led me into unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Because of that, staying home has actually become healthier for me than participating in social environments that I know can pull me backward.

Some people see isolation and assume it is unhealthy. For me, there have been times when staying in has been an act of self-preservation. It has protected my sobriety and my peace.

I am trying with everything I have to remain sober—not only from drugs and alcohol, but from the mindset that says escape is the only answer. That battle is incredibly difficult because for a long time alcohol and other unhealthy behaviors became the only way I knew to numb what life here felt like.

I don't want that life anymore.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life surviving.

I want to participate in the world again. I want to go outside and feel excited about where I live. I want community that doesn't revolve around drinking. I want creativity. I want beauty. I want places where people gather simply because life itself is worth experiencing together.

I know those places exist because I have experienced them elsewhere.

This is not hatred toward Pocatello. It is simply the recognition that not every place is meant for every person.

Some people flourish here.

I do not.

And there comes a point when acknowledging that truth is not selfish, dramatic, or ungrateful.

It is honest.